They Might Be Reflecting Back to You

Assume that everyone has a good reason for what they say and do, because they do. Assume that everyone has a good reason for what they say and do, because it is that assumption that will allow you to really listen to their point of view, negotiate with them, and reach an agreement. When it seems like people are doing things “for no reason”, check to see what you are doing that they might be reflecting back to you!

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

People Make You Feel What They Are Feeling

People often say that someone else did something “for no reason”. Although I believe that everyone says or does things without giving it a lot of thought sometimes, I also believe that people do things for a reason most of the time, especially when they put emotion behind what they say or do. I think that sometimes this sense that it “comes out of nowhere” happens when people make you feel what they are feeling, a very interesting phenomenon. Sometimes it is inadvertent. An anxious person will make you feel anxious by some kind of osmosis. But sometimes people will set out to make you feel what they are feeling. If you insult them, they insult you, so that you can see how you like it. I’ve done that myself. However, I have never found it to work. The other person never has developed an instant empathy and stopped insulting me. They just get hurt and angry at what I said and insult me more.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Assume the Best

You can’t do the right thing and accomplish all your goals by fighting with other people. You need other people. You need to talk to them the way you would want them to talk to you if they didn’t like what you were doing. You need to assume the best about them and make it easy for them to explain by understanding their point of view instead of thinking badly of them or getting mad at them.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Whenever I was Willing to Listen

I started believing that people have good reasons for what they say and do because it worked, first with people I liked (which is not hard to do), then with people I didn’t know (giving them the benefit of the doubt), and then with people I didn’t necessarily like, because it gave me a way to talk to people when we had differences and come to an agreement. But, I am sure now that it is true, because people have always been able to give me good reasons for what they said and did, whenever I was willing to listen. Even when I thought that there could not possibly be an honorable explanation for someone’s “bad” behavior, I have invariably found that things look completely different from the other side.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Reasonable People with a Difference of Opinion

It has been important for me to believe that people have a good reason for what they say and do, even though I don’t know what it is, not just because it is true, but also because, otherwise, I have a tendency to blame anything other people do, that I don’t like, on some character flaw or intentionally bad behavior. When I believed the worst about people, I got mad at them or gave up on them as hopeless. Then they didn’t want to work with me any more than I wanted to work with them. Believing that everyone has a good reason for what they say and do allows me to approach them as reasonable people with a difference of opinion. I can possibly convince or be convinced by these people. We have a chance of coming to an agreement.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Most People Are The Same

I believe now that most people are the same. They say and do things for what they consider to be good reasons, whether or not they seem like good reasons to anyone else. And, they are justified in what they say and do, at least in their own minds, at the time that they say and do them.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

I Thought I Had a Good Reason

As I slowly learned to recognize my own motives, I knew that I had not always had a good reason for everything I said and did. But when I realized that I had been fooling myself (and not many other people, most likely!), I tried to stop doing those things for which I didn’t have a good reason. I still wanted to have a good reason for everything I said and did, even though I thought differently about what constituted a “good” reason. At any point in time, though, no matter what I later thought about whether I was right or wrong, I have, at the time, thought I had a good reason for everything I said and did.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

I Thought I Was Different

It is interesting, then, that it was often my opinion that other people said or did things for bad reasons, or for no reason at all. Maybe I thought I was different from other people. Or, maybe, I was willing to believe that someone else might make excuses or hide their true motives but not that I would do those things.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Assume Everyone Has a Good Reason

If you had asked me, for most of my life, I would have said I have always had a good reason for everything I said and did. Sometimes, it was that it was the right thing to do and helped me accomplish one of my goals. I still consider that to be a good reason. Other times, you might have had to be a little more broadminded about what “good” meant. In the past, I have often done things because other people “made me mad” or “hurt my feelings” or “tricked” me into thinking it was OK. At the time, those were good reasons to me, too (although I don’t think they are now). Sometimes, I did things without even consciously thinking about why I was doing them. But, it never took me long to think up a “good” reason after the fact, if questioned.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Hastings Coors & Montano, Friday, April 17

Book Signing
Friday, April 17, 2009
5:30 PM to 9:30 PM

Hastings
6051 Winter Haven Road NW
(Coors & Montano)
Albuquerque, NM 87120
(505) 898-9227

Local Authors!

Marianne Powers
Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time

Lela Belle Wolfert
Wishes in the Wind

David Corwell
Cloaked in Shadow
Dark Tales of Elves



Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Everyone, Even You

Assume everyone is doing the best they can, even you, and that everyone makes mistakes, even you.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Spend Your Energy More Wisely

The energy I used to use (and it felt like a lot) trying to make other people feel bad about their mistakes, making myself feel bad about my mistakes, is now spent more wisely. Identifying and fixing mistakes quickly and adapting procedures and processes to minimize mistakes is much more efficient and effective than demanding perfection.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Give Them a Break, Give Yourself a Break

Giving people a break had an unexpected side effect for me. I realized that I could give myself a break, too. I came down hard on people for making mistakes (sure it was character flaw!) and I felt really bad when I made one (same reason!). Now, I could see that they didn’t have to be perfect and I didn’t have to be perfect. For the first time in my life, it was easy for me to admit that I had made a mistake, figure out what I needed to do to keep from making it again, fix it, and move on.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

They Don't Need to Admit Anything

If they did see what they have done as a mistake, I allowed them any explanation that they cared to give. It didn’t matter to me if their explanation was “lame” or if they didn’t give one. I didn’t need for them to admit anything. If there was something that either of us could do to make it harder to make the mistake or easier to do the task correctly, we could talk about changing how we did it. Otherwise, it was enough that they knew about and corrected the mistake and kept an eye out for it in the future. They didn’t have to explain why they were not perfect.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Ask Instead of Accuse

When I found something that didn’t seem right, I would try to start the conversation in a way that didn’t accuse, let me give and receive information, and didn’t make the other person mad. The one that worked for me was, “Can you take a look at this for me?” Then I let them look it over for a minute or two. Many times, they would see what was bothering me right away and say, “Yep, that’s a mistake, I didn’t mean to do that.” If they said something like that, then I said something like, “I’ve done that, too, it’s easy to miss that.” If it wasn’t a mistake, they might explain why they did it that way and convince me their way was better. If not, I might say something like, “I see what you mean, but wouldn’t it be better if we did it this way?” and show them what I thought. Whatever we decided to do, no one had to feel bad and no one had to get mad, which only gets in the way of this task and everything else we need to do together.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Hastings Tramway & Candelaria, Friday, April 10

Book Signing
Friday, April 10, 2009
5:30 PM to 9:30 PM

Hastings
12501 Candelaria Road NE
Albuquerque, NM 87111
(505) 332-8855

Local Authors!

David Corwell
Cloaked in Shadow
Dark Tales of Elves

Lela Belle Wolfert
Wishes in the Wind

Marianne Powers
Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time


Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

It Works with Coworkers, Too

Of course, I tried this new understanding and sympathy with my coworkers, too. And it worked just as well with them, maybe even better. It’s a real relief, I guess, when your coworkers are trying to help you do well instead of trying to catch you in a mistake!

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Stop Trying to Figure Out What is Wrong With Them

Out of necessity, I had stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with my customers and had started assuming that they were doing the best they could. My job wasn’t to find fault, it was to help them. This new way of doing things worked even when, I suspect, the person wasn’t really interested in learning what I was trying to teach them or when they were distracted by personal problems or whatever else prevents someone from learning. Even though I was willing to tell them how to do something 100 times, I never found anyone who wanted to keep calling and asking me more than three or four times.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Make Their Excuses for Them

Eventually, I not only didn’t blame them, I made their excuses for them. “This happens a lot,” I might say, “The way this works is not very logical so it’s hard to remember, especially if you don’t do it all the time.” “Why don’t you see if you can come to my class. This module is really too complicated to figure out without any training. It does a lot of stuff.” “You really have to have some uninterrupted time away from the front desk so you can concentrate when you’re doing these appointment templates. It’s hard to visualize how the changes you make affect the schedule and the changes carry through in the program till the end of time!”

I made their excuses for them so that they didn’t feel bad (an upset software user can’t concentrate), so that they knew I was on their side (they could tell me everything), and so that they could give an explanation to their boss and coworkers (a grateful software user tries harder!).

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

They Defend Themselves

When you blame someone for something, they defend themselves. They either start looking for someone else to blame (such as the person who trained them!) or they shut up and won’t tell you what happened. Then you can’t get the information you need to troubleshoot and fix the problem. I had to make it safe for them to tell me what I needed to know.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Blaming the Customer is Not an Option

There were many times when the customer did something (or failed to do something) that caused a problem. But blaming the customer was not an option. Getting mad at my customers for making mistakes was counterproductive and eventually I didn’t do it anymore. I retrained them or set up the software so they couldn’t make that mistake any more, or helped them develop a procedure for checking the work before it went out.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Whatever Works, Whatever It Takes

I found out that customers don’t care about your perfect procedure or your wonderful software, they care about getting their work done. I learned to focus on the goal and not worry about people’s little idiosyncratic ways of doing things. Whatever works! And if they did have to learn to do something a particular way for it to work, I didn’t mind telling them how to do it a hundred times or a hundred different ways. Most things, they would end up doing thousands of times. It didn’t matter if some of them were slow to pick it up at first. All my customers got faster and better than me eventually. I just had to get them through that first hard part, until the gears meshed and they took off on their own. Whatever it takes!

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Customers Are Perfect

When I started working with customers instead of coworkers, I came to understand that I could not hold them to the same standard of perfection that I had always demanded of others. First of all, they were already perfect in their own way, just because they were my customers. (They chose me, didn’t they!) Second, if they did not do everything perfectly, it was not going to be their fault, is was going to be my fault (in their eyes, at least) – I didn’t teach them what they needed to know, I didn’t set it up properly, the software wasn’t “user-friendly” enough. And last, if I insulted them or made them unhappy, they would go find someone who treated them better, immediately.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Someone Else's Mistakes

If a mistake was found and it was someone else’s, it made me mad. Everyone else owed me the same perfection I owed them. Failure to achieve perfection interfered with getting the job done and, if the culprit worked for me, made me look bad. I never thought, then, that any mistake was tiny or that you should expect a certain number of errors in any work done by humans. I always demanded an explanation for the outrage (at least by my demeanor if not by my words.). And I always knew that any excuse they would come up with would be inadequate.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

My Mistakes

If a mistake was found and it was mine, I immediately started making excuses for myself, usually at someone else’s expense. But I always felt bad about making a mistake, even though I never believed it was my fault. I was disappointed in myself for not being perfect (it wasn’t my fault but I should have spotted it, after all!) and afraid that I would lose my position or at least my standing, because being perfect was my job.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com

Assume Everyone is Doing The Best They Can

It seems I used to believe it was possible to achieve perfection in everyday life. In fact, perfection was what I expected, from myself and everyone else, all the time.

Doing the Right Thing
and Achieving All Your Goals at the Same Time
www.mariannepowers.com