Undiscussables
Dan Oestreich over at Unfolding Leadership posted a wonderful essay about Discussing Undiscussables, which is the Fifth Practice in his Practice of Leadership series.
It was a timely reminder for me today. I was uncomfortable listening to an exchange between two friends who are working on a big project together that I have a financial stake in. I walked away, hoping they would sort it out, but that did not happen.
I realized later that one of us needed to call it, to name it, to say it. One could have said he was exasperated (or whatever was making him appear to be exasperated). The other could have said he was irritated (or whatever was making him appear to be irritated). And I could have said they seemed exasperated and irritated to me and it was making me uncomfortable. To call it would break the tension. Was I afraid they would fight? Maybe. But that wasn't avoided. In a way, they did fight. If we had talked, we might have been able to understand and, in understanding, solved the problem.
It was a timely reminder for me today. I was uncomfortable listening to an exchange between two friends who are working on a big project together that I have a financial stake in. I walked away, hoping they would sort it out, but that did not happen.
I realized later that one of us needed to call it, to name it, to say it. One could have said he was exasperated (or whatever was making him appear to be exasperated). The other could have said he was irritated (or whatever was making him appear to be irritated). And I could have said they seemed exasperated and irritated to me and it was making me uncomfortable. To call it would break the tension. Was I afraid they would fight? Maybe. But that wasn't avoided. In a way, they did fight. If we had talked, we might have been able to understand and, in understanding, solved the problem.
posted by Marianne at 9:48 PM
4 Comments:
Isn't that like acknowledging the elephant in the room?
Yes it is! I just need these examples because that elephant is so very hard to see.
In my opinion and experience, the best thing to do in that situation is to "call" your own experience or feeling. "Hey guys, I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable here" or some such. Commenting on other people's state of mind is a dangerous business. You may well be wrong, and put them on the defensive. ("I'm not mad! Grrr!")
You are so right! The only feelings I know are my own. I don't know what they were feeling, only, from the way they were acting, that something was up.
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