Chapter 4

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING AND FEELING

“He thinks he’s better than everybody else.” How can I tell? By that smug look on his face. “She thinks I’m trying to make her look bad.” How do I know? I’ve been here before. I talk as if I’m a mind reader, but I’m not. What I really mean is: “If I were acting like that, it would be because I thought I was better than everyone else” or “the last time I saw someone act like that, she said she was mad.” We know what we would think in the same situation. We know what other people have said they were thinking in a similar situation. But it’s just not the same.

If we really want to know what someone else is thinking or feeling, we have to ask. They might not tell us. But that's the only way we have any chance of finding out.

When you try to deduce what other people are thinking or feeling from what you would think or feel in that situation, you make the assumption that everyone is basically the same. That’s right, basically. You use that reasoning when you decide how to treat other people. The Golden Rule is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s a pretty good rule. But, it’s better applied in a general way. Inasmuch as we are all human beings, we are all basically the same. Inasmuch as we are all individuals, we are all very different.

When you try to deduce what other people are thinking or feeling from what someone said they were thinking or feeling in that situation, you make the assumption that different people react the same way in the same situation. Sometimes that’s true, but often people’s reactions differ in the extreme.
Human beings might be alike when we are first born, but what we like and don’t like, need and don’t need, fear and don’t fear, diverges as we go through life. Each of us is on a unique journey. We can never know exactly what someone else thinks or feels. Even when the same people are involved, there are the times when a situation that appears to be the same is not.

Of course, sometimes it is true that you have guessed what someone else is thinking or feeling. And sometimes you might have even caught them being selfish or lazy or whatever. But you can never know when that has actually happened and, anyway, then what? You could accuse them of acting badly and watch them squirm, maybe. More likely, they would point out your failure to achieve perfection yourself. But what’s are you trying to do? If your purpose is to do the right thing and achieve all your goals, then you need to make it as easy as possible for people to help you. Making them feel bad just gets in the way. Fighting with them makes it almost impossible.

It turns out that the best thing to do is to ask what someone is thinking or feeling, even when you’re certain that you know. They’ll probably explain. You might be surprised to find out how wrong you were. If the explanation is lame, they’ll know it as well as you do. If you just let them off the hook this one time, they won’t use it again. It’s not important to get them to admit that they don’t have a good reason for what they’re doing. You have to ask for what you want and find out if they will help you. If they will, it doesn’t matter that they had a lapse in perfection. If they won’t, it still doesn’t matter. It just means you need to find help elsewhere. If their job is to deliver what you are asking for, you might have to let them go and hire someone else, but there’s still no reason to get mad at them, and getting mad at them won’t help.

On the other hand, if you don’t want to know what someone thinks, don’t ask. People are accountable for their words and actions, not their thoughts and feelings. They don’t have to tell you everything they think and feel. If nothing they say will change your mind and it will make them mad because you don’t care what they say (probably!), don’t ask.

Hopefully, these are not people on your team, because you should care what people on your team think, unless you were planning on doing this all by yourself, maybe? If you suspect someone is not 100 percent behind your plan and it will just irritate you if they confirm that, don’t ask. If a decision has been made and they are doing their part, they don’t have to pledge allegiance every day.

Before you get started on anything new, it is in your best interest to let everyone you’re counting on to help tell you what their reservations are and what options they think would be better. You need that input to make sure you haven’t overlooked something important. But everybody doesn’t have to agree 100 percent for a course of action to be taken. If 100 percent agreement were required from all parties, no plan would ever be implemented. If the plan is a good one, they will probably be convinced eventually. If it isn’t, you’ll need them, even more than those who agreed with you, to help you find a better idea.

You don’t know what other people are thinking and feeling, you have to ask if you want to know. Every once in a while, you might be able to guess what people are thinking and feeling, but it won’t make any difference. You still have to ask, to be certain that you have guessed correctly, and, more importantly, to be able to talk to them about it.