Saturday, December 10, 2005

Why Did I Do That?

I had an emotion to share and I wasn't able to deliver it.

I don't mean that I was disappointed. I don't mean that I was embarrassed. I mean that I failed to establish a connection with my listeners. Instead of being able to transmit that energy, it stayed with me and overwhelmed me. Not that I meant to make them sad. I meant to make them happy, excited. It didn't work.

So it didn't work. That's why we try things out, to see if they work. I didn't mind that they saw a lot of "areas for improvement". Not having practiced and not having delivered it very well, I expected some of that. I just wanted to know whether to keep working on it or throw it out. And I was doing just fine, not feeling bad about any of the comments, making notes. Even when I realized that there was so much wrong with it I would have to start over, it didn't bother me.

And then, at the very end, someone said "good speech" and I got choked up and the tears flowed down my cheeks, unstoppable. It was not an act of kindness that touched me, because, in fact, I didn't think he meant it. It was the final comment, ending on a good note, as we are supposed to do.

They say that you have to take risks to get better. I was willing to take risks. That they wouldn't like it. That they wouldn't understand it. That they would give me a hard time because I hadn't practiced. I didn't know about this other kind of risk.

I thought about it a lot. Why? I know that it looked like I couldn't take the criticism. That I was too sensitive and let it hurt my feelings. Which would be bad. If I want to get better, I have to be able to listen to criticism and learn from it. But I don't think that was it. Sometimes that has been true. Okay, lots of times! But I don't think it was this time.


Blogger Miz said...

Marianne, there were a lot of good things about your speech yesterday.

The most important fact was that you took a risk and went for it. I don't think you would have done that even a year ago. That, my dear, is growth!

What you didn't mention is that during the feedback someone said you were on the verge of something even greater and to just let go and let it happen.

Honestly, I thought you were crying because of the following speech about the Tomb of the Unknowns.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Marianne said...

The Tomb of the Unknowns speech was very well done and very touching. You're right, it could have started a few tears.

7:42 PM  

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