Chapter 16
TELL THEM EVEN IF YOU KNOW THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND
You have to tell people what your goals are if you want their help. It’s true that they might not help you even if you tell them. But if you don’t tell them, it’s going to take a lot of luck for them to somehow stumble upon it.
It may seem like people should already know what you want. Take the time to put it into words anyway. Make what you say specific to each person. Let them know what you want from them personally. Explain what goal or goals this will help to achieve. You will probably notice that even you did not know exactly what you wanted before you did all that, so they really couldn’t have known.
It may be that, after you have done all that thinking, you feel that your reasoning comes from a certain level of experience or training that your audience does not have. You might think that it’s no use telling them, because they won’t understand. In this case, it is even more important that you tell them what you want and what your goals are, because it is even more unlikely that they will just happen to figure it out on their own.
Sometimes, you should explain things to people, even if they won’t understand now, because they will understand later. Sometimes, it won’t be for years. Sometimes, it just takes sleeping on it, or maybe a few days, weeks, or months, before something happens that brings it into focus. Sometimes, you can explain what you want and what the goal is at the beginning of a project, and the people you are talking to will not really understand it until they have started working on it or have gotten half way through it.
The other reason you should tell people even when you know they won’t understand is that, if you don’t tell people what you want and why you want it, they will come to their own conclusions. If they really don’t have sufficient experience or training (or good mind-reading ability), they will probably not figure out what you are actually thinking. If you have somehow given them the impression that you think they are too stupid to understand, they will probably not be in a charitable frame of mind when they are figuring out your motivation. But, if you have told them what you wanted and why, even if they didn’t understand, they know you did have a reason and that you didn’t mind stating that reason in public. They know they can get you to explain it again whenever they want. They know they can send people who need or want to know over to you for the explanation.
Of course, it’s not always other people’s lack of experience or training that makes it hard for them to understand you. Sometimes, it’s the way you’re explaining it. It’s not always necessary or desirable for people to understand things in the same way or to the same degree that you do, especially if it is not their area of expertise. Television writers are always trying to figure out ways to explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to me. And sometimes I even think I get it. But I don’t understand it the way Einstein did. Still, if you can’t figure out how to explain it in a way you think they will understand, tell them any way you can.
Sometimes, I remember thinking that someone wouldn’t understand, but what I was really worried about was that they wouldn’t believe me. This usually involved not so much what I wanted as why I wanted it. Whenever I feel that way, I know I need to make sure I understand my motives myself (both the public ones and the real ones). Then, I need to tell the truth about my motives and have no hidden agenda.
People will almost always help you achieve a goal that is good for you, good for them, and good for the group. People will sometimes help the group even if is detrimental to them personally. People will sometimes help you even if your goal is personal and what you want will benefit no one but you.
Whatever the situation, you need to tell the truth about what you want and what your goals are and let people make their own decisions about whether they will help you or not.
You have to tell people what your goals are if you want their help. It’s true that they might not help you even if you tell them. But if you don’t tell them, it’s going to take a lot of luck for them to somehow stumble upon it.
It may seem like people should already know what you want. Take the time to put it into words anyway. Make what you say specific to each person. Let them know what you want from them personally. Explain what goal or goals this will help to achieve. You will probably notice that even you did not know exactly what you wanted before you did all that, so they really couldn’t have known.
It may be that, after you have done all that thinking, you feel that your reasoning comes from a certain level of experience or training that your audience does not have. You might think that it’s no use telling them, because they won’t understand. In this case, it is even more important that you tell them what you want and what your goals are, because it is even more unlikely that they will just happen to figure it out on their own.
Sometimes, you should explain things to people, even if they won’t understand now, because they will understand later. Sometimes, it won’t be for years. Sometimes, it just takes sleeping on it, or maybe a few days, weeks, or months, before something happens that brings it into focus. Sometimes, you can explain what you want and what the goal is at the beginning of a project, and the people you are talking to will not really understand it until they have started working on it or have gotten half way through it.
The other reason you should tell people even when you know they won’t understand is that, if you don’t tell people what you want and why you want it, they will come to their own conclusions. If they really don’t have sufficient experience or training (or good mind-reading ability), they will probably not figure out what you are actually thinking. If you have somehow given them the impression that you think they are too stupid to understand, they will probably not be in a charitable frame of mind when they are figuring out your motivation. But, if you have told them what you wanted and why, even if they didn’t understand, they know you did have a reason and that you didn’t mind stating that reason in public. They know they can get you to explain it again whenever they want. They know they can send people who need or want to know over to you for the explanation.
Of course, it’s not always other people’s lack of experience or training that makes it hard for them to understand you. Sometimes, it’s the way you’re explaining it. It’s not always necessary or desirable for people to understand things in the same way or to the same degree that you do, especially if it is not their area of expertise. Television writers are always trying to figure out ways to explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to me. And sometimes I even think I get it. But I don’t understand it the way Einstein did. Still, if you can’t figure out how to explain it in a way you think they will understand, tell them any way you can.
Sometimes, I remember thinking that someone wouldn’t understand, but what I was really worried about was that they wouldn’t believe me. This usually involved not so much what I wanted as why I wanted it. Whenever I feel that way, I know I need to make sure I understand my motives myself (both the public ones and the real ones). Then, I need to tell the truth about my motives and have no hidden agenda.
People will almost always help you achieve a goal that is good for you, good for them, and good for the group. People will sometimes help the group even if is detrimental to them personally. People will sometimes help you even if your goal is personal and what you want will benefit no one but you.
Whatever the situation, you need to tell the truth about what you want and what your goals are and let people make their own decisions about whether they will help you or not.
posted by Marianne at 6:02 PM
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