Everyone Has a Good Reason for What They Say and Do
People say and do things for what they consider to be good reasons, whether or not they seem like good reasons to anyone else, and they are justified in what they say and do, in their own minds, at the time. I used to say that I did things because people made me mad. At the time, that seemed like a good reason to me. I don't think it is a good reason anymore, so I no longer do anything because somebody made me mad. I only do things for good reasons. But that was always true.
But it doesn't matter anyway. If we assume and act as if we believe that there is some character flaw or intentionally bad behavior on the other person's part, we can only fight with them. If we assume the best about the other person and show that instead, we make it easy for them to listen to us and talk to us.
But it doesn't matter anyway. If we assume and act as if we believe that there is some character flaw or intentionally bad behavior on the other person's part, we can only fight with them. If we assume the best about the other person and show that instead, we make it easy for them to listen to us and talk to us.
posted by Marianne at 7:00 PM
3 Comments:
It is hard to come up with a good reason people do things. For example, a co-worker of mine sent me a very strange email today. I think it was perhaps intended for someone else as gossip, and maybe was sent to me by accident, but who really knows.
I will try tomorrow not to fight with her, but it won't be easy.
At first, when we see something that we weren't supposed to see, our tendency is to keep the secret, as if we are part of it. But secrets are the problem. What people say behind each other's backs is the problem. What a great opportunity has come your way, because now you can bring the secret out in the open.
I take it that this e-mail contains some criticism of you or someone you know. What a great thing that you have gotten it. Information is what we need to accomplish all our goals. Criticism is information. If people criticize us and what they say is true, we can acknowledge it and use the information to do better. If people criticize us and what they say is not true, we can correct the wrong impression they have. If we don't know about a criticism, we can't do anything about it and we just go on obliviously.
I see that you are trying to guess what the person's purpose was and perhaps you have guessed it. But that is irrelevant. Don't be angry about what you think they think. Be curious. Use it as the opening to start a conversation. Ask them why they sent it to you and what is meant by the content. Because people can think whatever they like, but when they say what they think, they owe us an explanation.
Don't worry about the tone of the e-mail and don't respond in kind. Think of the best outcome this incident could have and act as if that is going to happen. For example, what if you asked them about this e-mail and they were embarrassed for having said something unkind and through your discussion with them found out that what they were thinking was untrue and changed their whole opinion of you or someone else and became a friend instead?
You might not want this person for a friend right now. Sometimes we think that we just want someone who has made us angry to disappear or be fired or be hit by a truck. But people are too valuable to throw away. And not one of us is perfect. We are all capable of doing things that are thoughtless or unkind, especially if no one ever calls us on it.
The sender of this e-mail had what they thought was a good reason for sending it. It doesn't mean that you would think it is a good reason or that the person being talked about would think it is a good reason. It doesn't even mean you need to know the reason. When you assume everyone has a good reason, you don't do it for their sake, to excuse them, you do it for your sake, so that you can put your anger aside and do what will make everything come out the way you want it to come out.
Do you have any video of that? I'd like to find out some additional information.
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